lets pretend we're alone

It's a brand new year. New start, new day.

stay close

I think I love you.

Cause there was nothing in there but you;

click here, to watch just about the sweetest video I have ever watched in a long long long time.

Went back to Signal Institute to return parade stores as well as to eat a very nice Christmas lunch. It's really wonderful to see people again and we compare our lives. In a way this might just be the way we feel after we finish university? But it was a nice way to spend the morning of Xmas eve.

I think of you and I wish you could be right here.

My bedbuddy seems really stressed about his love life and although mine is just about comparable, I do wish him all the best and that he resolves it as quickly as he can.

I think this christmas might just be perfect. =D

Just make them disappear

It's the eve of Christmas and having slept before midnight for the first time in about a week, I am now wide awake at this unearthly time. Christmas this year doesn't really feel all special at all, and there is no carolling from my church, no visit to old friends, nothing. My church camp which I am told was a blast took place while i was in bangkok. so, sigh.

We went to bangkok which was really really nice. This was the first time going overseas with my friends so it was something new. To see hung again after 5 long months was also very nice. He does seem to be enjoying himself there and I do hope he stays happy always. He really has matured into a fine young man with a more seasoned and experienced view of the world. He told me about how he saw how poor people are in thailand and how blessed we singaporeans are and really I am so proud of him. It really is true when my biggest gripe about my life is that I am unable to finance an overseas education while the worries that the people of thailand have are where their next meal is coming from.

I also saw the youth in bangkok running stores in street markets, driving tuktuks and pretty much doing menial, laborous tasks with little hope for the future and that is so sad. Hope is the defining characteristic of humanity and without it, I feel that you are just waiting to die.


My new posting's kinda screwy, cause it is very IT based. I saw my upperstudy sign 7 right in front of me and that does not bode well for my future. The OC and CO do seem very nice though. My sergeants are all very friendly and helpful towards me so i think I'll be fine.

When Time Stood Still

I am an officer of the Singapore Armed Forces.

My Duty is to Lead, to Excel, and to Overcome.

I lead my men by example

I answer for their training, morale and discipline.

I must excel in everything I do.

I serve with pride, honour and integrity.

I will overcome adversity with courage, fortitude and determination.

I dedicate my life to Singapore.

a teary toss

It seems when just when i thought it would be the most awesome day of my life you wont be there to see me.


It's commissioning day tomorrow and I really cannot wait for that moment. It really has been an incredible ride and I have made such wonderful friends throughout the way.
I once read that war not only draws men together it also repels them apart. I guess this is party true and I do hope that we can stay together always.
Had a chat with serene on msn and suddenly the memories of what we have gone through all came back. The songs the laughter the blood the sweat and ultimately the sense of pride that I believe we will all feel when we stand on that hallowed ground.

red tide rising

It's a few hours before the marathon and I am waking for fag's dad to come and pick me up. It has been one solid year since the last one and really, so much has changed. Time really really flies, especially with us growing older and older.
I do find myself become more and more naggy and I really do not like this new me. Help.
I think of the past and I think of you and I really do hope you're fine.



I just got my sword and its so pretty =D

sweep sweep

oh wow, it really has been eons since i last updated.
It's kinda disappointing, because I really have seem to have shut down and stopped caring.
My uni applications are left in a tangled mess and I really am filled with apathy to go and sweep it up to go and fix up.
In army, I always thought I could excel but now everything is crumbling and I just do not care.
At least the friends are priceless I guess.

Everytime people asked me when I was going to commission I would give the same "Still long" reply and it is true, OCS has been an incredible mental drain. It is true that all of us have that rank to look forward to but still, keeping yourself motivated is very very hard.
Today, as I stepped into safti as the first day of joint term, its really so surreal as all the shit that we have to take on as cadets are finally behind us.
The girls in uni now will never understand how this is such a big deal for the guys, how all we can talk about at this point of time is commissioning ball and life as an officer. Maybe even the chaokeng guys wont understand.

Watching Wen Hao give the valedictory speech about how we are now standing at the gates of officership has really made me reflect on the long journey I have taken. I remember the depression of BMT, where I felt very bad. I whined and I must have been an unbearable strain to all my friends. I remember breaking up with my girlfriend and thinking I would never be happy again. I remember Sierra wing, where I made so many good friends and suffered with them. I remember bringing wanjing to social night where I had so much fun. I remember brunei where I climbed with 2lt new. I think of signals and how it is so misunderstood by all the other arms. It is really very tough and everyone has suffered greatly. I think of SPITFIRE where me jingsong new and raymond walked and walked and never gave up. I have come of age, I would like to think.

Everytime I talk to people who have yet to enter NS, they tend to ask for the way to get the easiest way out. I always tell them to not do it, because "Two paths diverge in the woods, I took the one less travelled and that has made all the difference." When you suffer you learn how to accept the unreasonable and motivate yourself to go through the trials and tribulations, no matter how bad is it. This is essentially skills that will carry you far in life and hence, at the end of your 2 years you might not believe in the defensive capabilities of this country but at least you have learnt something.

I know my writing is really convoluted and twisted now, but its 1am and I really am just penning down whatever comes into my head.

I heard my posting is some slack 8-5 job, so while i thank god for that, a part of me is really disappointed. I think a part of me wants men under me. I would love to be an inspirational leader to them, moulding them into fine young men. I would love to stand in front of them ,motivating unmotivated people to achieve what they never thought they could. Thinking of my visit to 3signal, a PC said that" cadets are special cause they have the rank to work to; your men only have ORD" The challenge to lead them is something that really appeals to me. I would love to go uni with my men and to hear them tell their friends " This is my officer, and he changed my life" Would have made all the difference.

As I grow and exit my teenage years, it is with sadness that I think of all my old friends; friends that I will probably never meet up again. Friends like sirong edwin jonathan sherri joanne leanne and all from primary school. I know sirong is in delta comandos but the rest i have no clue where they are and it does seem quite sad when we were all such good friends back in primary school. Why can't life be like facebook, where friends made stay that way?

my knee is increasingly rickety and I think I am going to seek medical attention to it next year, where I can get it fixed at taxpayer's expense.

an update, finally

ok ok here goes nothing.
It's been 3 months since my last update and to my 2 faithful readers I am really really sorry.
Ok I am now in my professional term in OCS and this means there are 3 worthless bars on my shoulder above the sexy sexy singapura. I am now in signals and I am perhaps the worst cadet there. I fail tests and fall asleep when im not supposed to. hoho.

one significant thing to note of late is the express interest forms. We get to choose our future jobs after commissioning and I have chosen the BSO path. hhaha It is the most challenging one but hey, i would like a meaningful NS.

MAF had just passed and I danced with shawn as my dance partner for the 3rd year in a row. I really am quite good at the female part. haha.

We opened our cadet's mess a few weeks ago and me, ruiyi and andre played 2 songs. Such great heights by iron and wine, and wonderwall by oasis. It was pretty darn cool seeing a bunch of drunk drunk cadets sing along and it felt very very good. Following that, we all got high and the most memorable part of the night was to see jingsong dancing.

Up next is Ex livewire and Virgo and it promises to be a very tough 2 weeks. well, at least i got the weekend to look forward to.

Commissioning is just around the corner and i can smell those fragile choc bars already.

Again, I am going to contribute to the USA GDP by unleashing a torrent of applications there. ok, overstatement. It's just 3 schools this time; dartmouth columbia and wesleyan. God, please? =D

sigh. its book in time again. fuck.

Tonight

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight




I do love sitting by the Singapore river and look at the calm waters splash against the side. It's so therapeutic and relaxing that when I sit there nothing else seems to matter.
Signals is really starting on a very bad note and I really am hating the course. The efficiency level of the instructors and commanders are appalling and something so simple can take a few hours for them to brief us.
My IPPT is coming up and I really hope I can redo the miracle of sierra and jump a 234, though my gut says I won't be able to.

the calm before the storm

I'll be leaving for brunei in a few more days and all is melancholic. As daniel puts it, its "a cursed land that god has forsaken". The safety briefing we had on the trip was certainly sobering and we saw all the horrors that awaits us.
I have been posted to signals(!) which is absolutely lovely. It's like 10 minutes from my house and the fact that so many brudders are there already ensure that my life there will be good xD.
It's sad, seeing brothers walk away. Joint term awaits!

Not the wu-shi finger hold!

It's a quiet monday night and I'm in my bunk. The wing has booked out and im the @#$#ing Cadet Duty Officer today, so the hole building has me and this other guy. It's really quite and experience to just sit in front of this computer and slowly type what I have wanted to always say for the past few weeks but never got down to doing it, while there are no screams of pain and guitar noises and other what-have-yous in the background.

One thing about life in the army is that despite limiting the quantity of time you have with your family and friends, the amount of quality time you have with them actually increases. They certainly do treat me like royalty whenever i'm home =D

I do miss going to church and just enjoying myself, and bumming around at home or playing at the street court. OCS is certainly not easy on one's work-life balance (haha) and relationships. I just learnt that my block leave is not so much a block but a 1 day off before I go into my senior term.


The commissioning parade was held last Saturday and I saw the 69th batch of officers walk smartly out into the stadium. As they sang the OCS song ( We come from OCS, we are the very best.....) I saw many cadets and parents struggle to hold their emotions back. It really is a very long journey, and I hope that I can sing that song and march out on the parade square with my chest filled with pride. As erwin aptly put: " It's worth it; all of this."

Social night is up next, on thursday where I really hope to have a fun night with my platoon and their dates.

change side change

It's been a long time since i updated, with good reason. I've finished about a great chunk of the ocs syllabus for service term and I must say i'm impressed with myself because i really never never thought i could do it. Shows alot of mind over matter =D

Sierra platoon 3 is really awesome and I'm gonna miss all of them when we split up to go to our various vocations.

together, we are sierra wing
together, we are platoon 3
together, we are marching on
together we will sing this song

we are, we are platoon 3
2 years serve our country
don't care, who's our enemy
beware, we are platoon 3, platoon 3

desperation;

There's this scene in a movie I saw years ago.

Pretty girl gets dumped by Hot guy and then Pretty Girl goes to find Geeky boy Neighbor Who Loves Her for a backup date.

Geeky boy Neighbor Who Loves Her refuses and says "I can't always be your second choice; Not When you're my first."












Here's what's going on with my life now:

1. It's another lonely night in OCS where its the dreaded cbre tests tmr. Gas masks are a turnoff, totally.
2. My level of frrivolous purchases has gone up, with me buying a swatch watch on impulse.
3. I hate getting stood up. I think it is basic morals to keep your promises.
4. Had a platoon 3 gathering at kuishin-bo (however you spell it). It was awesome. These guys keep me sane in the insane world I live in. As corrine may puts it, Safe in a crazy world.
5. The song "I will follow you into the dark" is perhaps one of the highest played songs in my itunes now.

digital love

When I am feeling nostalgic or just plain bored, I often open up the saved chat logs and read through them. I can almost feel the past reenact right in front of me. Digital information lasts forever, and that bit of memory is actually just a few kilobytes of data in the gigabytes of storage i have. That information will never be gone but at the same time, they will never be back.



That summer love; You take me by the heart when you take me by the hand.

nirvana

Having been the unfortunate victim of the monkey bars in the standard obstacle course, my palms are (again) blistered and bleeding. We however have been fortunate enough to have in our possesion the fabled green grass oil.

The green grass oil is touted as china's answer to blisters and any other open wounds and us officers-to-be decided to try it out last night.

It must have been a comical sight, to see me and justin fumbling with the bottle and putting a few drops on our palms.

Then we felt the pain.

It was as if ten milllion needles were trying to force their way into that small open wound and in the process rip the nerves out of your skin. There we were screaming and hopping trying to somehow ease the pain but it was relentless.

That was fun.

Now I guess I can relate to why people cut themselves. Cause it feels so good when the pain stops.

welcome home; you

They say people devote themselves to something inanely with all their minds for three reasons.
Either they're crazy, passionate or they're trying to forget.
With you, I knew you were trying to forget. All i needed to know was her name.

-Gus, The notebook.

its over

life's a wreck.

anticlimax;

Is pretty much the understatement of the year. Yes, that is how I feel, seeing how I've been slapped an in-your-face deluge of endless rejection letters. It's almost poetic when they tell you that the last letter i receive is a waitlist. sigh.
I am now trying to arrange interviews with nus and smu law faculties, attempting to secure a good degree here. I know, you all are laughing at me, seeing my high and lofty aspirations cut down and now having to do what everyone else is doing. fuck.

I am however, unrepentant and am going to try to apply for other schools next year. heh.

It's a rare break for us. I think after days of sleeping at 11 plus they have decided to give us a break. ahahah nice!

rosetorn

It's another lovely saturday night and I'm sitting in in my bedroom again. It's such a lovely place with all the photos of my loved ones, giftss, watches, soft toys, gadgets and other paraphenalia that are scattered across my table. It might look like crap to you but hey, its my crap.

As i read the letters, I realised how each one of them might sound silly when read by other people but they all contain memories. Memories which i hope i never forget cause they really bring a smile to my face when i read it.

Have I done something stupid? time will tell.

Saw this off somewhere

It's ok to be angry, and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know.
When you get lonely and no one's around
you know that i'll catch you when no one's around
weekends together but you left your home
and i know how it feels like to walk all alone
maybe someday i will see you again
and you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend.

shortlived;

The book out was

reminisce

It seems so long ago when we were two wide eyed teens eagerly planning for a bright azure future.

That's gone now.

realize

It's never easy easy trying to adjust to something. Especially when the world you know has collapsed and changed into something that you don't know.

Today was Parent's visiting day and I got to see my family again after 2 weeks of jail. I missed them. The questions were predictable but I could see that they were proud of me and what I have done. I guess that should give me sufficient motivation to last through the next months.

I feel weirdly empty and I don't really know how to describe this. Friends which I have painstakingly bonded to are transferred to other wings which means I probably will never see them again. It's amazing what doing 2 weeks of shit together can do for team spirit.
They are leaving tmr after the junior bar presentation. It's gonna be 2 white bars on my shoulders on monday.

I have been hearing many horror stories about whats gonna happen tonight. I'M PREPARED. yeah right.


I hope you're alright.

smashed

Hello all! can you believe it, we get computers in our bunks at ocs?

Sigh. OCS really sucks. Every day is a struggle and its mentally exhausting.


Received horrid news. Harvard, Yale, chicago and cornell rejected me. Fuck.

ah heh

Its 8am and I have been awake since 7 despite sleeping at 2. Somehow, my body is slowly being adjusted back into army life (noooooooooooooooooooooooo). I guess I half-expected it, that I would get into the insane OCS course. My parents are understandably delighted and I am filled with dread that I would just die there. Never mind, think of the incredible paycheck!

I saw this quote a couple of days ago;

If you could choose what would happen in your life, life would be a whole lot less complicated, but much less beautiful.

pray

I was going for a run today at the clementi canal when I saw this group of teenagers praying in a group. Wanting to kaypoh, I chose to do my cool down there and eavesdrop. Turns out one of their peers is very sick and they are praying for her now.

Looking at them pray, I was struck by how beautiful a prayer is. When you see someone close their eyes, clasp their hands and just BELIEVE; Believe that somehow by saying a few words, a divine being will change the circumstance they are trapped in. It really is very wonderful when you see how they just defy logic and science and just will whatever they believe to come true.

I am not a very devout christian but this is one of the few reasons why i continually go to church. The beauty of prayer.

life is beautiful

is it, really?

I don't know.

My life now is freaking awesome where I get to do the things I want and there are no annoying sergeants to come screw me.

But the thing is, I gotta start to acclimatise back to army life cause its gonna be a long long period of hell up next.

Brightsparks is possibly the most annoying and depressing website one can ever come up with. The designer of it is fucking atrocious. So much insane forms to fill in and you dare call your application easy.

I know many of my friends are upset over their results and I hope this quote cheers you up.

If you could choose the things that happen to you, Life would be a whole lot simpler, but much less beautiful.

See it as a test of yourself. Those 5 letters cant possibly spell out whether you will be a success or failure. So please do have the stomach for the fight and fight on!

pee oh pee

And so ends my 9 weeeks stint as Leopard. I must admit, I had grown rather accustomed to the companionship and camaderie during my time there.
Leopard 4 section 2 was the sickest pullup section which i invariably always ended up bottom.
I do hope we stay in touch, or better stick together in whichever command school we go to. That would be nice =D.

MY A levels were kinda screwy and it really sucks whenever i think of that @#$%@$#^@ C. I guess you win some and you lose most of them. sigh.

i don't know

I don't like the fact that I'm in control of my life now.
I think i liked the fact that my life was planned ahead of me and i did not need to worry about where my life would go.

pain

It really is amazing how I miss you so much.
It is even more amazing when you cut me to shreds.
Maybe I have changed
or maybe you have changed.
The thing is
is there still a happily ever after?

thunder

Your voice is the soundtrack of my summer
do you know you're unllike any other?
You'll always be my thunder

they say in the army

TO maintain my sanity in army, I must:

1. Change underwear regularly. (You'd be surprised how many people fail to do that)

2. Read the papers.

3. Eat fruits and my centrum tablets.

4. Do not misfire, or do anything that will get me into trouble.

5. make full use of my time out.






Field camp is up next. Shudders.

parting is such bittersweet sorrow;

I'm staring at this white box as I have been for the past 20 minutes or so and I just can't seem to find the right words to say.

take me home; where I belong

It's my second bookout and I think I'm starting to cope with NS life.
The wonderful thing about NS is that because the tasks are so inanely mindless and boring, you get to think. To think about what you want, and what matters to you.
TO think about what you want to do with your life, and who you want to be in your life.
It sounds incredibly ironic but in a way this 2 years could give you the time you always wanted to reflect and decide on what is the next best move to take in your journey through life.
This might sound a little far fetched but we might actually benefit from this enslavement.

On a much cheerier note, thanks for all the messages. They kept me alive =D
<3


This world is actually very beautiful, did you know that?

here we go again; same old shit again

I miss you ):

poignant.

He had replayed this moment a thousand times in his mind and every night he thought of this meeting.

He held her close and he said it the way everyone said it.

He mumbled "I missed you so much."

hello goodbye

It's 2hours till i go in.
I'll miss all of you, definitely.


To all who sms-ed me, thank you very very much =D



Baby just say good night,
I'll be gone tomorrow
Baby just close your eyes
I can't take the sorrow
Baby just walk away
You know i can't stay
There's no easy way to say goodbye
So baby just say goodnight.

apprehension

Its approximately 40 hours before i go for National Service and I really don't feel good. I really can sense the sinking feeling of doom as every minute ticks by. I lack motivation and there's a sick sadistic kind of pressure building up in me. fuck.

I hope I get to eat a real good meal with you tmr. That would improve my mood by alot.

round round

What is your aim in life? Is there a purpose to it?

I guess I've never thought of it. I think I just want to be the best that I can be; To be the best and to achieve all that is humanly possible I guess.

But what is enough? A new car? A nice apartment?

Now that you mention it, I guess the most likely answer I can give you is that it wil never be enough.

Since it's never going to be enough, then why bother?

........


I just though of that conversation I had with kc a long long time ago.

I think the month I had working in a trading firm really wised me up to the world. I always thought I had the brains for trading but looking at the high octane lives those people lead really make me think twice.

Which again makes me think why do I want to do this inanely stressful and crazy job? Why have I always wanted to stand in shenton way, screaming orders worth a few african nations?

I guess I'm a sucker for pain.

Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.